When it feels like someone is pushing you away… (or how to begin to bust the bully in your life with ease and grace.)
One of the best pieces of advice I was given quite some years ago, didn’t make much sense for ages. Perhaps thirty years ago.
I would muse its meaning, ponder the wisdom it held, and come up with not a lot of practical tools for implementation.
And I knew there was wisdom in these words that I would one day understand. I grew increasingly impatient with not knowing the true meaning and how to implement them in the world. I did what I “thought” the words meant, yet I saw limited results which my wise teacher intimated would occur. I would still experience times of deep sadness because of my inability to help loved ones and those around me. I came to an understanding that I couldn’t fix their problems or make it better for them, no matter what I did, how I tried or how much I put their wellbeing before mine. No matter what sacrifices I made, it became increasingly clear that there was another way.
It was not until many years passed that I even began to understand the potential of these simple, yet effective and mighty powerful words.
These seven words have changed everything for me. Changed the way I think, feel and “be” in the world and how I interact with those around me. (Although, just like you, I am still learning.)
Sometimes I feel like I know everything there is to know, and that all in the world is as it should be. Even when things are not as I wish them to be, or “think” they should be.
At other times, I feel as if I know very little about anything, and that there is so much unnecessary suffering, anger, fear and overwhelm in the world that these same words have very little meaning in this crazy world in which we live. That these words mean diddly squat.
As I write these words, from one of my favourite places in the world, I feel in this moment, that these words make a whole lot of sense and need to be shared.
I trust I portray their true meaning and that in some way they help you navigate those times when it feels like someone is pushing you away.
“When things get tough, bring them closer.”
Initially, I thought these words meant to hold my loved ones and those around me even tighter, grasp their worries and fears with force and fear, and do anything and everything I could “to make it better for them.” Worry was my biggest tool for making it better, as was giving advice. This gripping and grasping for answers made things even worse, for all involved and rarely produced the changes I envisioned.
All because I was coming from a place of fear, worry and controlling the outcome.
“When things get tough, bring them closer.”
Something else I have realised, is that each of us is our own worst bully. And when we portray the expression of being our own worst bully, we show the exact opposite of how we would wish our children and loved ones to treat themselves. With anger, fear and scarcity, rather than love, compassion and understanding.
My three steps when you feel like someone is pushing you away looks like this: (and/or if you need to bust your own inner bully, or to hold the space for your child to bust theirs):
1. Get really clear about what you perceive to be the challenge – is there a bully in your life and/or your child’s life? Gain a picture in your mind of the problem and take an imaginary photo of the scene.
2. Place your hand on your heart and breathe. Five deep breaths in through your nose and five exhales through your mouth.
3. Complete “The Golden Circle” activity, as described below.
THE GOLDEN CIRCLE ACTIVITY.
This activity is suitable for adults and children. It is particularly powerful when practiced routinely as a challenge presents itself in your life, particularly if you are busting a bully in your life. (Either your own inner bully, a bully in your life or the bully in your child’s life.) You can either complete this activity using paints, paper, crayons and/or pencils, or you can simply complete it in your imagination. Children particularly enjoy the hands-on components of this activity.
1. Dip your long, beautiful paintbrush into the golden paint. Paint a large golden circle by placing a dot in the centre of the top of the paper. Paint a smooth, round circle starting at the dot at the top of your paper and move around to the left side of the paper, down the left side, along the bottom, around to the right side of the paper and back to the top of the circle. Ensure that the circle is completely closed.
2. Now, using colors appropriate for your challenge, paint the scene of your challenge. (Remember the scene you envisioned back in step one above.) Do this with as much or as little detail as you wish. It is not about how well you can or cannot paint, rather the feelings you infuse your scene with. You are reminding yourself of a situation you wish to change in your life. If feelings of sadness, aloneness, fear, anger or the like come to the surface, simply notice them, paint them in the scene and allow them to be seen.
3. When you feel the scene is complete, put down your brush, place your hand on your heart and inhale and exhale five times.
4. Visualise golden light pouring down on the golden circle, filling the whole of the circle with golden white light. Imagine infusing the golden circle with golden white light for as long as if feels ok to do so.
5. When you feel you have finished, if you have physically painted the golden circle, tear it gently into tiny pieces while feeling gratitude that the solutions to this challenge have revealed themselves to you. Place these tiny pieces of golden circle in your compost bin, or simply bury them in the garden. Release them to Mother Nature to heal.
6. If you complete the activity in your imagination, imagine cradling “The Golden Circle” in the palm of your hands gently and blow it out into the universe. Allow “The Golden Circle” and its contents to be released into the ethers to blessed and healed by whatever it is you believe to be the infinite power of the universe.
7. Place your hand on your heart and say out loud, “Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you.” And so it is.
Namaste. The light within me sees the light within you.