(Or how to “Bust The Bully” in Your Child’s Life.)
Sometimes, life just seems “really hard”. So hard, that you might wonder if there is an easier way.
An easier way than struggling, pushing and “making life happen.” An easier way to keep your child safe from the bullies.
Or you might feel that it is not possible to keep your child safe from bullies. That no-one cares and it only happens to your child.
Your garden of life might be made up of fresh flowers, lovely lilies and robust roses. Your soil could be well fertilised, watered regularly and mulched well. Weeds just aren’t a problem in this garden of your life because there is balance, there is “light” and you tend to your garden daily. The fruit your garden bears is life giving, nutritious and there is plenty to share. You are fulfilled.
On the other hand, your garden of life can be filled with problems and challenges. (Disguised as weeds. Disguised as a bully.)
When you are in “your garden of life”, pondering a section of the garden that has “got away from you” a section of your “garden of life” that is growing “bully weeds”, you may wish to have a little tantrum. You might feel like telling yourself “I haven’t done a good enough job keeping my child safe. I haven’t kept the weeds, (bullies), out of my child’s garden.” (Like most Mamma’s, perhaps you “try” to be the Queen of Everything, yet you feel like you have become the Wonder Woman of not much.) EEEEKKK!
Whether it is your own inner bully which constantly says, “you are not good enough, you look silly and wrinkly, or, who are you to stand up for your child and be counted?” etc etc.
Or it could be the “real” bully in your life or your child’s life. It is a massive challenge for you, and you don’t know where to start to put an end to the bullying. To ease your child’s suffering. It just seems there is no easy answer. It feels like no-one understands, or even cares.
And the system has let you down. You have tried everything.
Instead of focusing on the “bully weeds” and chaos in your garden of life, you could choose to say, “Do you know what? I have tried everything I know, and it hasn’t worked so far. But I just haven’t found the support and help I need to bust this bully, yet. Yes, it is totally horrible that the weeds, (bullies) are there, and yes, I haven’t been able to bust my child’s bully yet. Yet I will just get started. I will place my shovel in the earth, make a mark, draw my line in the sand, and just get started.”
Then decide to change the story of having a bully in your garden of life. Decide that bullies have no place in your “garden of life”, or your child’s. I know, it sounds simple, maybe it sounds like I am making light of being bullied. Making light of how jolly tough it is to have a child who is being bullied.
I know how hard it is to stand up for your child.
I know how hard it is to be heard, to be seen, to be taken seriously.
I see Mamma’s struggling with this every single day.
I just wish I could change it for you.
But I can’t. You have to do this for yourself and for your child.
People can guide you, support you and hold your hand.
Unless you commit to continuing to find the solutions and keep going until the job is done, nothing is going to change.
It just isn’t.
Follow these three steps to “Bust The Bully In Your Child’s Life.”
1. Write down your story of “bullying.” Twice. For the first time, write it out exactly as it feels. The anger, the fear, the mistrust, the isolation, the pain. The frustration, the confusion, the powerlessness, the overwhelm. Get it all down on paper. Put this version of your bullying story into a cardboard box with a lid. Do not open this box again. Bury it in the garden so that it can be turned into something good – food for the worms and plants!! (This version of the story is not for anyone else to see. It is simply for you to “let it out.” To release the parts of the story that are not necessarily appropriate for others to hear or see or feel.)
2. Place your hand on your heart and breath in through your mouth and out through your nose for five deep breaths. On a large piece of paper, (A3), draw a large circle, beginning at the top middle of the paper, drawing the circle by going around to the left first, complete the circle and finishing back where you started. Ensure the circle is closed, that the beginning and ending of the circle join. Using a different pen/pencil of your favourite color, re-write your story of bullying. Write this second story as if you were speaking directly to the people that you need to tell that your child is being bullied. Tell them exactly what has been happening to your child, your concerns and that you need them to hear what you are saying. That it is time for this bullying to be seen and be dealt with. Write with courage, strength and a feeling that you will be heard. Re-read and/or re-write this story as many times as you need to, until you feel it conveys what you need it to say, without blame, shame or guilt. (As far as this is possible for you.) It is tough, bullying brings up many emotions and feelings. The clearer your message is about what is happening to your child, without the emotional charge, the greater your chances are of being heard.) You just need them to listen so that this bullying story can be changed. As quickly as possible.
3. Then tell someone that your child is being bullied. Make an appointment with the person/people who need to know about your bullying story. (Principal, teacher, etc). This meeting, and your story, will tell them that you feel that your child is being bullied and that you need their help. When you go to the appointment, take the second story with you and if you feel it is appropriate, read this story to them. (Tell them that you have written out what you see is happening to your child and that you would like to read it to them.) By reading this prepared piece of writing, the more likely it is that the story you wish to be heard, will be heard. And then keep telling someone until something changes. Do not stop telling someone until you are confident your child is safe.
Pick a spot in your bullying story and start there. Literally start where you stand. And just keep going. Until someone listens.
Until someone says, “I understand. I will stand with you until your bully has been busted.”
Decide not to look at how big the task is to bust the bully in your child’s life, and please don’t focus on how long it will take you. Unless you make a start, nothing is going to change, and the bullies continue to reign!
As you know, there are plenty of reasons not to get started. Every “bully weed”, tall ones, small ones, big ones, little ones, thick, thin and pretty ones…….. they all have to go, one at a time.
It will take resilience.
It will take courage.
It will take strength. Compassionate strength.
It will take creativity. You will need to think outside of the box and look for new ways to bust your bully.
It will take co-creation to finish the job of busting your bully. You will need to reach out and take the hand of someone you trust.
Decide that each day, you will just do something to move towards your goal of removing every one of those “bully weeds” so that you can begin to feel better about sending your child to school. So that you can begin to feel better about standing up for your child. And so that you feel supported, rather than isolated and alone.
Each day that passes without removing the “bully weeds”, your feeling of unease will grow. It will become more and more uncomfortable to think about the job of removing those “bully weeds” that you know need to be gotten rid of.
Take some quiet time, have a chat to yourself in the kindest possible way you can muster. And just decide.
“Tiny deeds, lead to less “bully weeds.””
Just know that more and more people are standing with us to say “ENOUGH.”
Let’s stand together, united against the plague that is “bullying.”
Join “The Bully Busters Movement”.
Together, I know we can “Bust The Bullies.”
With infinite love and gratitude,
The Bully Busting Queen